


i don’t know where i’m going (and i don’t have any guide)

by redexo



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Angst, Bare: A Pop Opera fusion, F/F, Jealousy, Secret Relationship, please heed any trigger warnings in the author's note, slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22553938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redexo/pseuds/redexo
Summary: Going to a Catholic boarding school never gave either of them the opportunity to be open about their sexuality or secret relationship. However, as they near the end of high school, Chaeyoung begins to consider coming out, while Tzuyu only feels more pressure to deny her identity.
Relationships: Chou Tzuyu/Son Chaeyoung
Comments: 21
Kudos: 192





	1. every sin is entered in, heaven comes with discipline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: slight homophobia

**Senior Year, February**

Tzuyu wakes up in the chapel.

It’s completely dark outside, with the dim light at the front illuminating the altar and crucifix. Tzuyu notices some silhouettes in the front pews, and she tilts her head in confusion. Who else would be at the chapel at this time?

Almost like someone else was guiding her, she finds herself walking slowly through the aisle. It doesn’t take long until she’s in the front of the chapel, her head bowed. She glances to either side of her. In the left pew, it’s her friends. On the right, it’s her parents, her _real_ parents. They’re all completely silent, kneeling and praying.

“Hello?” Tzuyu says. Her voice sounds foreign and faraway to herself.

No one answers. They don’t even show any indication of having heard her, and Tzuyu almost repeats herself, but Dahyun turns her head to lock eyes with Tzuyu. It feels like Dahyun’s staring into her very soul, uncovering anything and everything.

“We’ve been waiting for you,” Dahyun says, completely monotone. It sends chills down Tzuyu’s back. She scans the faces of everyone again.

“Looking for Chaeyoung?” Jihyo asks. Her voice is usually something that calms Tzuyu, but now it’s eerie and haunting. 

Tzuyu clenches her jaw and doesn’t respond.

Mina lifts a finger wordlessly to point at something behind Tzuyu. Tzuyu follows her finger, and normally where the altar stands, a coffin is in its place. 

A lump forms in Tzuyu’s throat, and she takes a step forward, but someone grabs her wrist before she can go any further. When Tzuyu turns around, Nayeon’s eyes are dark. “Don’t.”

“Why?” Tzuyu asks, her voice cracking. If that’s really Chaeyoung…

“Save your soul,” Nayeon responds, forcibly pulling Tzuyu away from the coffin. “It was too late to save Chaeyoung’s. Don’t let yours be lost as well.”

“I don’t understand—”

“Just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire, serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire,” Dahyun says. She shuts the Bible she was reading from, the sound echoing throughout the chapel in a haunting manner. “Jude 7.”

Tzuyu’s blood runs cold. She feigns ignorance. _Deny it_. “What are you saying?”

“It is an abomination,” Nayeon says, squeezing Tzuyu’s wrist painfully.

Tzuyu winces and tears her wrist away from Nayeon’s grip. The lump in her throat grows larger. “Stop.”

“You really think we would support this?” Her mom speaks up, and Tzuyu almost sobs at hearing her voice for the first time in years. Her mom doesn’t even look at Tzuyu though, just keeps her eyes trained on the crucifix up front. “This is a sin. _You_ are a sin.”

Tzuyu staggers back, the words almost a physical blow to herself. “Mom…”

“You still have time,” her father says. He sounds desperate, pleading, and not at all like the man she remembers from her childhood. “You can still repent. God will accept you with open arms.”

“I—” Tzuyu can’t speak. It feels like everything is crumbling around her, and she can’t do anything to stop it. She swallows thickly and ignores the tears rolling down her cheeks. “Is it really that bad?”

“It is an abomination.”

“Save your soul.”

“Repent.”

“Abomination.”

Everyone has crowded around her at this point, their words blurring into nothingness. Tzuyu feels as if she’s drowning, and she can’t reach the surface, no matter how much she swims. She catches sight of the coffin before her vision turns black. There’s a single word burning behind her eyelids, accusing and terrifying.

_Abomination. Abomination. Abomination._

  
  


Tzuyu gasps and shoots upright. She blinks rapidly and realizes she’s in her dorm room, not the chapel, and the only other person here is Chaeyoung.

Chaeyoung.

Tzuyu feels the relief flood her entire being. The coffin is still burned in her mind, and she sees it every time she closes her eyes. She lays back down, her heart hammering in her chest. Despite the nightmare, the only thing she can focus on is Chaeyoung on the other side of the room. She knows she won’t be able to fall asleep for a long time. She’s not sure she wants to fall asleep at all.

She battles with herself for a few more minutes before giving in and throwing off her covers. She nudges Chaeyoung closer to the wall and climbs under the covers, pulling Chaeyoung close to her.

Chaeyoung shifts to wrap herself around Tzuyu. One eye cracks open. “Tzuyu? You okay?”

“Yeah,” Tzuyu says. Her voice shakes a tiny bit, and she hopes Chaeyoung doesn’t pick up on it. 

Chaeyoung hums, her head resting against Tzuyu’s chest. “Your heart is racing.”

“It was just a nightmare.”

“The crash?” Chaeyoung asks.

It’s not uncommon for Tzuyu to have nightmares. She had them almost every night of freshman year, about the crash, and it didn’t take long for her to confide in Chaeyoung about it. These nightmares though, which only began this summer, Tzuyu keeps to herself. “Yeah, the crash.”

Chaeyoung tightens her arms around Tzuyu’s waist. “I’m sorry.”

Tzuyu takes a deep breath. “It’s okay. I have you.”

Chaeyoung hides her grin against Tzuyu, and Tzuyu feels the weight within her chest grow just a bit bigger. She ignores it and places a soft kiss on top of Chaeyoung’s head. It doesn’t take long until Chaeyoung’s breath begins to even out. 

Tzuyu tries to push the nightmare out of her mind and focuses on Chaeyoung. The image of the coffin begins to fade away. Chaeyoung is here in her arms, warm and breathing, and that’s all that matters at the moment. She pushes everything else away.

* * *

**Freshman Year, October**

The lights are blinding, growing closer at an impossible speed. Someone’s honking their horn, and Tzuyu can only sit still in fascinated horror as the oncoming car slams into the right side of the car that Tzuyu and her parents are currently occupying.

Everything’s more blurry after that. She remembers feeling weightless as the car flips once, twice, three times, before Tzuyu loses count. There’s screaming, so much screaming, and then the terrifying crunch of metal crumpling. She closes her eyes.

When Tzuyu opens them, she’s outside the car. Sirens scream all around her, but they seem muffled. Her ears ring. Everything’s red and blue. Something heavy is draped over her shoulders, and she turns around to find a woman smiling kindly at her. The woman says something, but Tzuyu can’t understand. The woman leads her away from the accident, away from her parents. Tzuyu’s head pounds, and she closes her eyes again. She wants this all to be over.

She’s at the police station now, still wrapped in the same blanket. She’s sitting on a chair, her tiny legs swinging back and forth while she watches two officers talk in the corner. 

_“She’s only seven. What’s she gonna do without any parents?”_

Tzuyu jolts. Her chest heaves as she gasps for air. Slowly, she comes to her senses. She’s in her dorm. The fan is on because the crappy air conditioning stopped working, and Chaeyoung is asleep on the other side of the room.

She isn’t seven, alone and helpless as a car slams into them, tilting her entire world on its axis.

Tzuyu tries to slow her racing heart, but it doesn’t seem to work. She thinks of sneaking to Nayeon’s room, but she doesn’t want to bother Nayeon, and the nuns will punish her if they find her out of bed. It’s probably going to be another sleepless night then. 

She reaches up to clutch at her necklace, a simple metal chain with a cross, one of the last things her parents gifted her before the crash.

“Tzuyu?” Chaeyoung mumbles, her voice rough from sleep.

Tzuyu winces. She didn’t mean to wake Chaeyoung up. “Sorry, it was just a nightmare. Go back to bed.” 

“You’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately,” Chaeyoung says after a moment. She sits up in her bed. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Tzuyu’s first instinct is to say no. She doesn’t want to burden others with her problems, and she only met Chaeyoung two months ago. But it's past two in the morning, and she’s probably not in her right mind right now, and Tzuyu is so goddamn _tired_.

“My parents and I were driving back from dinner. It was Chuck-E-Cheese. It was my favorite restaurant.” Tzuyu smiles wistfully. “My dad was too busy trying to cheer me up after I didn’t win the giant stuffed dog, and he didn’t see the car coming from the side road. The witnesses said our car flipped seven times. The doctors told me it’s a miracle I wasn’t injured.”

Chaeyoung inhales sharply, already knowing where this story is going. “Tzuyu…”

“It was a drunk driver,” Tzuyu continues, closing her eyes. “He and I walked away without a scratch, but he got fifteen years in prison for vehicular manslaughter. I still get nightmares occasionally.” Her voice falters, and she clears her throat. “They’ve just gotten worse since I’ve moved into the dorm.”

Chaeyoung nods, and Tzuyu can make out the frown on her face through the darkness. Chaeyoung seems to be contemplating with herself before getting out of her bed and walking across the room. “Scoot over.”

Tzuyu obliges, albeit a bit confusedly. “What are you doing?”

Chaeyoung slides underneath the covers of Tzuyu’s bed. “My younger brother used to have nightmares when he was little. He’d have them less frequently if he slept with me or my parents.”

Tzuyu’s glad for the darkness so Chaeyoung can’t see how red her cheeks have gotten. She and Chaeyoung are good friends, but this is a whole new level of closeness. Still, Tzuyu feels a little more secure with Chaeyoung an arm’s length away, and she can already feel her eyes closing without her permission. It’s similar to when she was young and used to crawl into Nayeon’s bed when she couldn’t sleep.

Before she succumbs to sleep, she murmurs out a tiny, “Thanks, Chaengie.”

* * *

**Senior Year, February**

Tzuyu sprints forward, holding her arm out in front of her. Her teammate sees and makes a perfect pass that lands the ball at her feet. Tzuyu, already having outrun the defender marked on her, has a clear path to the goal. 

_One step, two steps, top right corner._

It slips past the goalie’s fingers, and she’s mobbed by her teammates. The whistle blows three times, and Tzuyu jogs back to where their coach is standing, a satisfied smile on her face.

“If we keep this up, we’ll be undefeated the entire season.” The team cheers and she allows them a moment. “That doesn’t mean we get tomorrow off. We’re in the weight room at 3 pm.”

The cheers turn to groans. Practices in the weight room are brutal and usually leave everyone wishing they had never been born, Tzuyu included. The only highlight of any weight room practice is that Chaeyoung always gives her a massage afterward.

“Next practice is also when we’ll be voting for captain, so everyone here needs to think of who they want to vote for tonight.”

Tzuyu glances at Jennie. It’s no secret the race is between the two star strikers of the team. Tzuyu’s hopeful, but she knows not to underestimate Jennie. The coach rambles on for a bit longer before dismissing them.

“Dude,” Yeri says, looping an arm around Tzuyu’s shoulders and forcing her to bend over to support the shorter girl. “You’re totally gonna win captain.”

Tzuyu shrugs. “We’ll see tomorrow.”

“If your competition is Jennie Kim, there’s no way you won’t win. Everyone loves you. Plus, it’s _Jennie._ ”

“Jennie’s good enough to be captain,” Tzuyu protests, looking around to see if anyone was around. Thankfully the two of them are lagging behind everyone else, so the chances of anyone overhearing them are slim.

“Yeah, but you know how she can get.”

Tzuyu hums and shrugs again. “Let’s not assume too much.” 

Jennie’s nice enough. She can just get a little intense about soccer on her best days, and on her worst days, downright demonic. And inside a Catholic boarding school, Tzuyu does not use that word lightly. She doesn’t dislike Jennie by any means, but Jennie can get a little too competitive sometimes, especially with Tzuyu.

“If you say so, but just so you know, I have a celebratory bottle of vodka hidden in my sock drawer for when you’re named captain.”

Tzuyu rolls her eyes and shoves Yeri away. “Careful. If you’re caught, you get after school detention for the rest of the term.”

“That was _one time_!”

Tzuyu scoffs. “I honestly thought the nuns were going to pull out the ruler, even though they haven’t done that in decades.”

“So did I.” Yeri grins, looking unbothered. “Now I know to prepare for the random room checks they do.”

“I’m surprised they’ve never caught Jackson before. That boy has a whole drug store in his locker.”

Yeri waves Tzuyu off. “They’re probably too scared to check his stuff. His parents are _very_ generous donors, after all.” They reach her dorm, and she rummages around her duffle for her keycard. “You coming to the rave next weekend?”

Tzuyu smiles wryly. “I’ll see how I feel.”

“You should. I heard Jackson has some new crazy shit.”

Tzuyu’s never been a big fan of any of the drugs Jackson’s handed out. One bad experience is enough to last a lifetime. Still, she knows Yeri won’t get off her case, and she’s itching to get back to her room. “I’ll keep that in mind. See you at dinner.”

She rushes off before Yeri can say anything else. It’s rare for Tzuyu to ever get moments to herself. She’s quite popular in school nowadays, with her helping lead their school to a championship last year, and her beauty. It sucks because Tzuyu loves having time to herself and people she’s close with.

She opens the door to reveal Chaeyoung sitting inside on her bed, strumming her guitar. Tzuyu shuts the door and deadbolts it before walking over and giving Chaeyoung a kiss. Tzuyu smiles into it, feeling content at the moment. 

“Hey,” Tzuyu says after they break apart, tossing her duffle on her dresser.

“Hey. How was practice?”

Tzuyu groans, collapsing on Chaeyoung’s bed and beginning to massage her calves. “Brutal. Coach is pushing us harder than ever.”

Chaeyoung sets aside her guitar. “Has the captain been chosen yet.”

“No, that’s tomorrow. I think Jennie’s the only other one running.”

Chaeyoung wrinkles her nose. She and Jennie had never gotten along too well. “If you lose to her, I don’t think I can ever talk to you again.”

Tzuyu raises her eyebrows. “Harsh. And if I win?”

Chaeyoung smirks. “If you win, we can discuss more about that tomorrow after practice.” She leans forward to press her lips against Tzuyu’s. It’s short, too short for Tzuyu’s liking, and it leaves Tzuyu chasing Chaeyoung’s lips.

“Let’s talk about it now,” Tzuyu suggests, not taking her eyes off Chaeyoung’s lips.

She thinks she’s convinced Chaeyoung when the other girl leans forward. Tzuyu closes her eyes, but the kiss never comes. Instead, Chaeyoung stops near Tzuyu’s cheek, her breath warm against the shell of her ear. “Go take a shower first.” Tzuyu deflates as Chaeyoung moves further away, a teasing smile on her face. “You stink.”

Tzuyu sighs and hops off the bed. “Fine.” 

Chaeyoung picks up her guitar again and begins to strum a couple of chords. “Hurry. The new episode of MasterChef premieres tonight.”

“Yes, ma’am.” 

  
  


Someone collapses into the seat next to Tzuyu, and she looks up to see Jinyoung, his hair damp and eyes half-closed. Tzuyu winces knowingly. “Morning practice?”

Jinyoung groans. “Yes. Coach hates us.”

Jennie slides over a cup of coffee. “Here.”

Jinyoung takes it, thanking Jennie. He leans back in his chair and sighs, turning to look at Tzuyu properly. “When’s your first game?”

“Next Friday against Pine Hills,” she responds. “When’s yours?”

“Tonight. It’s against Holy Trinity.” He looks at her, a hopeful glint in his eye. “You coming?”

Someone’s knee brushes her own, and Tzuyu resists the urge to look to her other side where Chaeyoung is undoubtedly sitting and watching her and Jinyoung. She forces a small smile on her face instead. “I don’t know, practice might run late today.”

“You should!” Mark leans around Jinyoung to look at Tzuyu, and he claps Jinyoung’s shoulder, a teasing smile on his face. “Jinyoung wants to score a goal tonight, and having you in the stands will be all the motivation he needs.”

Jinyoung’s ears turn red, and he shoves Mark away, mumbling something under his breath. Chaeyoung coughs and Tzuyu can feel Jennie glaring holes into her head from the other side of the table.

“Don’t pay attention to Mark. He’s just being...dumb,” Jinyoung finishes lamely, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. 

Tzuyu laughs, feeling her own cheeks turn hot. She doesn’t know what to say.

Jinyoung glances at his watch on his wrist and yelps, nearly falling out of his chair. “Shit! I need to get back to my dorm. I told Jackson I’d help him with something ten minutes ago.” He downs the rest of his coffee apologizing and running off.

Mark sighs and watches Jinyoung go before picking up Jinyoung’s duffle bag from the floor beside the previously occupied seat. He shakes his head and stands up. “I think this is my cue. That idiot doesn’t have a room key.”

Jihyo waits until Mark’s a safe distance away before raising her eyebrow at Tzuyu. “It’s like he doesn’t even try to hide his crush on you anymore.”

Dahyun bursts out in laughter and reaches over to high-five Jihyo. “That’s what I was gonna say! It’s almost painful to watch.” 

“You have Jinyoung after you, and you don’t even flirt back.” Yeri shakes her head incredulously. “It’s just so... _you_.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tzuyu asks, her voice taking a defensive tone.

Yeri hums, taking a bite out of her apple. “You just haven’t shown that much interest in boys.”

“I’ve shown interest in boys!”

“It’s not a bad thing, Tzuyu,” Mina interjects, frowning at everyone else the table. “You shouldn’t feel the need to be interested in anyone.”

Jihyo nods and laughs. “You’re too focused on sports and grades anyways. No time for dating and boyfriends and all that.”

The room gets much hotter all of a sudden, and she looks at the expectant girls at the table. _Prove it to them. Show your interest._

Tzuyu huffs and rolls her eyes. “Actually _,_ I was planning on going to Jinyoung’s game tonight so…”

Yeri’s eyes widen. “Really?” Tzuyu nods, and Yeri cheers. “Now I have someone to sit with in the stands!”

“Neither of you even like watching soccer,” Jennie protests. “It’s too boring if you aren’t playing it.”

“I like _watching_ the boys play soccer,” Yeri responds. “Have you ever laid eyes on Lee Taeyong playing soccer? It’s life-changing.”

Tzuyu tunes them out as the conversation turns towards their school’s boy’s soccer team. She’s never seen the appeal. Those uniforms weren’t flattering at all, and most of the guys on the team are douchebags, barring a handful of them.

Chaeyoung stands up, and Tzuyu tilts her head at her. “You going back to the dorm?” 

Chaeyoung shakes her head, not meeting Tzuyu’s eyes. “I’ll be out for a bit. I’ll see you later.”

“Everything okay?”

“I’m great,” Chaeyoung mumbles. She nods at everyone at the table before heading towards the exit. Tzuyu frowns, but she chalks it up to Chaeyoung being tired. They stayed up pretty late last night, after all. 

“Tzuyu, you’re definitely coming tonight?” Jihyo asks, causing Tzuyu to refocus on her. It makes sense she’s asking. After all, her boyfriend plays soccer as well.

“Maybe Jinyoung will score a goal for you,” Yeri says with a small smirk.

Tzuyu takes one last look at the exit, but Chaeyoung’s already disappeared. She looks back at everyone at the table, forcing herself to smile. “Yeah, maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! this is based off a play i watched when i was younger, and it's stuck with me ever since because it deals a lot with sexuality and religion, which is something i struggle with a lot. i recommend you listen to the soundtrack if you have time.
> 
> if you have any questions or just wanna talk, you can find me on twitter @softchaeyuhours.
> 
> anyways, stay tuned and i encourage everyone to be aware of any triggers that i put at the beginning of every chapter!


	2. spending days in silent fear, and spending nights in lonely prayer

**Senior Year, February**

Chaeyoung finds herself at the chapel. 

It’s quite ironic really. The place she comes to when she feels confused is also the place that causes all this confusion.

It’s a Saturday afternoon, so no one else is there. Chaeyoung likes it this way. It’s quiet and calming—the perfect place to think. She’s been doing a lot of thinking lately.

Chaeyoung thinks back to breakfast, back to when Jinyoung and Tzuyu were talking. She’s viciously reminded of the jealousy that ripped through her body every time she looked at Jinyoung’s face, wide-eyed and hopeful while staring at Tzuyu. The encouraging comments of their friends. The sinking in her stomach when Tzuyu agreed to go to the soccer game.

It’s all an act, of course. She knows Tzuyu doesn’t want to raise anyone’s suspicions. Any girl would love to have Jinyoung’s attention, and Tzuyu shouldn’t be any different. She’s playing the part she needs to play. She’s supposed to be the perfect girl: the one who excels in school and sports, and pleases her friends and family, and diligently practices the Church’s teachings every day.

Tzuyu’s not supposed to be gay.

Chaeyoung bites her lip and kneels, clasping her hands together and bowing her head. It’s something she’s become very accustomed to lately, coming to the chapel nearly every night for the past few months.

_God, I need your guidance._

It’s cliche to say, but when she’s with Tzuyu, everything feels right. When she’s with Tzuyu, she feels invincible. 

If it was wrong, then why does Chaeyoung feel so strongly?

They used to think this would be temporary. Sophomore year, every time they’d slip up, Tzuyu would sneak back into her own bed and firmly tell Chaeyoung that was the last time. Once junior year hit, they just gave in to each other. They told themselves it was just a matter of convenience. 

Inside the safety of their dorm, they can be together. They can cuddle and kiss and whisper promises to each other all they want. Outside though, they’re just best friends and roommates. Outside, they can’t show even a tiny hint of their feelings for fear of being discovered. Outside, they’re nothing. 

But that’s the thing. How long can they keep this up? How long can they keep something like this hidden? This can’t be something that lasts. Chaeyoung doesn’t think she can handle a lifetime of lies and secrets and pretending.

Tzuyu probably thinks she can walk away after senior year as if nothing happened. She’ll get married to some nice boy, and they’d have two children and one dog, and they’d live in a house with a white picket fence and everything. Hell, Tzuyu probably _wants_ that because it’s what’s expected of her.

Chaeyoung knows the truth though. It’s not something that will just disappear. She won’t wake up one day and these feelings will be gone. What they’re feeling is _real._

What she’s feeling is love.

It feels like blasphemy, even thinking about something like that in such a sacred space, but Chaeyoung feels like she can breathe just a little bit easier now. She stands up, takes one last look at the crucifix, and walks towards the exit, leaving her secret behind.

* * *

**Sophomore Year, November**

Chaeyoung is buzzed at most, but Tzuyu is most definitely past tipsy. Tzuyu’s the lightest lightweight she has ever known. Chaeyoung curses her friends for letting Tzuyu drink so much wine.

They make it to their dorm, with Chaeyoung half-carrying Tzuyu to keep the taller girl upright while she tries to swipe her keycard. It takes a couple of tries, but she manages to open the door without letting go of Tzuyu.

Once the door shuts, Tzuyu lets out a tiny giggle and rests her chin on top of Chaeyoung’s head.

“You smell nice,” she says.

Chaeyoung coughs and tries to hide her blush. “Um, thanks. You should probably go to sleep.”

She leads Tzuyu to her bed and helps her sit down. Chaeyoung turns away, fully ready to climb under her covers and pass out until lunch tomorrow, but a hand at her wrist stops her. She turns around and freezes at the sight of Tzuyu intently watching her. “Can you sing me a song before you go to bed?”

“You need a lullaby to sleep?” Chaeyoung asks, rolling her eyes.

Tzuyu simply juts out her bottom lip. “Please?”

Chaeyoung sighs because she knew she was going to get her guitar and sing as soon as Tzuyu asked for it. Chaeyoung would do anything Tzuyu asked, but Chaeyoung pushes that thought out of her mind. She shouldn’t dwell on it.

Instead, she fetches her guitar and nudges Tzuyu aside until there was room on Tzuyu’s bed for Chaeyoung to sit. Chaeyoung stays silent for a long moment, trying to think of what song to sing. She should probably sing Shawn Mendes or something since Tzuyu absolutely adores him, but something inside Chaeyoung compels her to sing something different, something personal.

Chaeyoung begins to pluck the strings, closing her eyes and letting the music wash over.

 _“The place where we always go to have a cup of coffee  
_ _I'm here alone today  
_ _The note of our first day is still there  
_ _The image is my distant memory  
_ _Somehow looked really good.”_

Chaeyoung feels Tzuyu’s gaze on her, and it takes all her willpower not to open her eyes and meet Tzuyu’s eyes. She swallows thickly and concentrates on playing.

 _“I become afraid of my current image  
_ _Where loneliness has stopped at that time  
_ _Even though I've walked on other streets  
_ _Even when I turn around and come in a distance, it's always in its place  
_ _No one here would even know that I'm alone  
_ _It's quiet as if it's someone didn't exist (at all).”_

The last note rings out in the silence, quiet and sad.

“You wrote that, didn’t you.” It’s not a question.

Chaeyoung nods, tapping her guitar—a nervous habit of hers. “Yeah. It’s just something I’ve been working on in my free time.” For some reason, she feels embarrassed, like she had just bared part of her soul to Tzuyu. Maybe she did.

“It was beautiful.” Tzuyu gently removes the guitar from Chaeyoung’s lap and sets it against the wall at the foot of her bed. Chaeyoung has nothing to distract her anymore, and she finally looks up. 

The moonlight bathes Tzuyu’s face, making her seem angelic. She is staring at Chaeyoung with an unreadable expression, and the heat in the pit of Chaeyoung’s stomach grows until she couldn’t ignore it anymore. Chaeyoung surges forward.

Tzuyu makes a noise of surprise against Chaeyoung’s lips, and a second passes before Chaeyoung finally realizes what she’s doing. She jolts backward, a terrified expression on her face.

“I—” Her voice gets stuck in her throat, and she nearly falls off the edge of the bed in her haste to make space between her and Tzuyu. “I’m really sorry, I don’t know what that was...”

She wants to slam her head against the wall. This was never supposed to happen. This was only supposed to stay in her thoughts and dreams, never to see the light of day. This definitely isn’t supposed to manifest into a reality where Chaeyoung will lose her best friend because she was dumb enough to kiss her.

Tzuyu sits motionless on the bed, and the terror within Chaeyoung grows until she can barely breathe. She scrambles off the bed, hugging her arms close to herself as if that will shield her from the harsh words that Tzuyu might hurl at her next. The harsh words that are deserved because this is _wrong_. “We’re both drunk, okay?”

“Drunk,” Tzuyu repeats.

Chaeyoung nods vigorously. “Yes, drunk. Let's just forget anything happened.” 

Tzuyu stays silent for a long, nerve-wracking moment before she nods once, and Chaeyoung feels an inkling of relief flood through her. She climbs into her own bed and faces the wall. Tzuyu doesn’t say anything, and neither does Chaeyoung.

* * *

**Senior Year, February**

Someone knocks on the door, and Chaeyoung half-expects it to be Tzuyu returning from practice, but she remembers Tzuyu went straight to the soccer game. 

Chaeyoung frowns. Who else would be knocking at her dorm at eight at night?

“Strawberries?” Mina asks with her typical gummy smile, holding up the tupperware full of strawberries that she probably got from the lunch ladies for free because they all believe Mina walks on water.

Chaeyoung smiles and opens the door, allowing Mina to slip in. “Shouldn’t you be at the soccer game?” she asks, sitting back on her bed and patting the empty space next to her. 

Mina shrugs. “Too crowded for me. And I’m tired from practice anyways.”

Chaeyoung isn’t surprised. Mina’s always been on the quieter side, after all. Chaeyoung opens her laptop and clicks on Netflix. “Wanna watch a show then?”

After ten minutes of scrolling, they settle on _The Office_ , a classic if you ask Chaeyoung. She’s watched the entire show at least three separate times, and she never gets tired of it.

(It doesn’t hurt that she thinks of Tzuyu every time she watches it. They love to curl up in bed and watch an episode before they go to sleep.)

Mina chooses a random episode from Season Three, and they settle in. Every once in awhile, Mina will let out the tiniest giggle, and Chaeyoung makes a mental note to make more time for Mina and her other friends. Lately, she’s been prioritizing her time with Tzuyu since they only spend time _together_ in their dorm, but she’s been neglecting her friends in the process. Chaeyoung wishes there was a way for her and Tzuyu to be a couple in the presence of their friends.

 _There is a way,_ something whispers from the deep recesses of her mind. Chaeyoung tries not to think about it too much.

“You know,” Mina says when they get to the part when Dwight gets oddly protective over a crying Pam. “This reminds me of you.”

“Dwight? Really?” Chaeyoung frowns and tilts her head. She likes to think of herself more like a Jim Halpert if anybody. Funny, occasionally dumb, and hopelessly in love with someone she can’t truly have (yet).

“Do you remember last year when that boy kept harassing me to go on a date with him?”

Chaeyoung’s face darkens, and she nods. She remembers that time _very_ well. Initially, Mina had kept it a secret because she didn’t want to worry her friends. She probably would’ve continued keeping it a secret if Chaeyoung hadn't walked in on her crying in the bathroom.

“The first thing you asked me was who you needed to beat up.”

“And you didn’t want to tell me who it was because you didn’t want me to do anything stupid,” Chaeyoung grumbles sullenly.

Mina lets out a small chuckle. “A day later, Tzuyu told me you were given a suspension for breaking someone’s nose in the middle of passing period.”

“You think I was gonna let him get away with slapping your ass in front of all his friends? Hell no!” Chaeyoung crosses her arms and huffs, scowling. “I’d gladly break his nose again if he still went here.”

Mina smiles again, a little softer this time. “See? You’d do anything for the ones you love.”

“Of course I would.”

“I hope you know we’d do the same for you too,” Mina says. “I think you forget that sometimes.”

Chaeyoung swallows thickly and looks down. There’s a contradiction in her thinking. She knows her friends will always be there for her, but there’s a little voice at the back of her head saying _what if._ What if they don’t support her if she comes out? What if she loses everyone important to her? What if she’s cast out, left in the dark with no God to turn to because by coming out, she made her final choice against Him?

That scares her more than anything.

“We’ll love you no matter what, Chaeng. Please remember that.”

There’s a glint in Mina’s eyes, an unconditional love that has Chaeyoung nearly choking up. The urge to come clean rises within her again.

“Thanks,” Chaeyoung whispers.

She presses play and ignores her heart begging her to confess


	3. i think we’re the best act this school has ever seen

**Senior Year, February**

Tzuyu breathes deeply, entirely focused on the goal. She passes the ball to Mina and sprints, trying to shake off her defender. It works, and she’s wide open for a moment in front of the goal. A moment is all Mina needs. She passes perfectly back to Tzuyu’s feet, and Tzuyu runs at the goal with only the goalie in her way.

Before she can even wind up, something collides with her legs. A searing pain rips across her calf, and she hits the ground hard. Her breath gets knocked out of her, and she groans. “Shit.”

“What the fuck, Jennie,” Yeri hisses, jogging over and kneeling down beside Tzuyu.

Tzuyu lets herself stare at the sky for a few more seconds before sitting up. She glances at her leg. There are a few cuts crossing her calf that are beginning to well up with blood, making Tzuyu wince. Tackling with studs up was either a rookie mistake, or it’s a purposeful move to injure another player. Tzuyu is pretty sure it’s the latter. 

Yeri and Mina help Tzuyu back to the bench, and she waits for the trainer to wrap her injury. It’s gonna sting like a bitch tomorrow, but if she takes enough painkillers, she should be able to play like normal in the game. 

Coach calls off practice early, telling them to go ice and get plenty of rest for tomorrow. Tzuyu feels the beginnings of the pregame butterflies in her stomach already. It was stressful the past three years alone, but being captain has put a new weight on her shoulder.

“Tzuyu!” someone calls behind her, and Tzuyu turns around to see Jennie jogging to catch up. She looks away to hide her grimace.

“Jennie,” she greets diplomatically. She’s not really in the mood for confrontation at the moment. She just wants to get to her dorm, ice her sore muscles, and cuddle with Chaeyoung.

“Sorry for...you know.” Jennie gestures at Tzuyu’s leg. “That was shitty of me. I let my temper get the best of me.”

Tzuyu shrugs. “You can’t do anything about it now. Just try not to let it happen tomorrow.”

Jennie nods, and that’s the end of it. The two are friendly, but they aren’t necessarily friends. That’s fine with Tzuyu.

“Hey,” Chaeyoung mumbles when Tzuyu shuts the door to their dorm, chewing on the end of her pencil while intently staring at a tiny notebook in her lap. Her guitar is leaning against the wall next to her, meaning she’s been trying to write while Tzuyu was at practice.

“Hi,” Tzuyu responds, making her way to Chaeyoung’s bed. She eases her way onto the bed and presses a kiss to Chaeyoung’s cheek. 

Chaeyoung catches sight of Tzuyu’s injury and frowns. “What happened?”

“A dirty tackle. Nothing a bandage and some ice can’t fix.” Tzuyu eyes Chaeyoung hopefully. “And maybe a kiss?”

Chaeyoung scoffs and rolls her eyes, but she leans forward anyways to capture Tzuyu’s lips. Tzuyu closes her eyes, relaxing as she basks in Chaeyoung’s presence. She’s hasn’t really seen the other girl since they only had lunch together today, and that barely counted since she and Chaeyoung were surrounded by their friends. Once they get back to the safety of their dorm though, it’s all worth it.

Tzuyu hums and breaks the kiss to push Chaeyoung flat against the bed. She hovers above Chaeyoung with a small smirk. “I think my leg still kinda hurts.”

Chaeyoung laughs when she understands what Tzuyu’s hinting at. She lifts her head until they’re close enough for Tzuyu to feel Chaeyoung’s breath on her lips. She shivers involuntarily while Chaeyoung murmurs, “Maybe I can help with that.”

They have the whole day to make up for, after all.

  
  


The two whistles signaling halftime comes as a huge relief to Tzuyu. She stops running, her legs screaming out already.

“Jennie!” Tzuyu calls sharply. Everyone else jogs to the bench to get water. Tzuyu reaches out to grab Jennie’s arm before she can do the same. 

“What?” Jennie asks, scowling. The frustration was written all over her face.

“You need to get your head in the game,” Tzuyu says, her irritation clear as day. She motions to the scoreboard—St. Cecilia sits precariously with a one-goal lead. “We should be crushing this team.”

“How is this my fault? Maybe you should be changing our tactics. You’re our _captain,_ after all.”

“Maybe _you_ need to start passing instead of trying to take on multiple defenders on your own because you want a goal,” Tzuyu bites back. “You told me you wouldn’t let your temper get the best of you.”

Tzuyu scored the only goal of the first half, and Jennie’s competitiveness kicked in ever since. Now Jennie’s refusing to pass to their teammates because she also wants to score a goal herself. 

Jennie deflates, and Tzuyu knows she understands. “Fine, I’m sorry, I’ll start playing with the team.”

Tzuyu nods. “Good. Go get some water.”

She turns to the stands. Nayeon’s there, along with Tzuyu’s aunt and uncle. Tzuyu smiles and waves, but inwardly, she feels the pressure of winning increase dramatically. She swallows back her nerves and makes her way towards the bench for the halftime huddle.

* * *

**Second Grade, August**

Tzuyu feels her nerves intensify as they park in the driveway. The house is big, far bigger than any of the houses she and her family had ever lived in. The gentle hand on her shoulder is supposed to be comforting, but it only reminds Tzuyu that she must be on her best behavior.

Her social worker had quickly found Tzuyu a relative willing to take her in—an uncle that she barely ever saw because he lived across the country. 

She’ll be seeing a lot more of him now, obviously.

“Hi!” someone exclaims, startling Tzuyu. She looks up to see a little girl that looks around her age bounding down the stairs. She stops in front of Tzuyu and tilts her head, observing her for a moment. “I’m Nayeon.”

“My name is Tzuyu,” Tzuyu mumbles. She scuffs the floor with her sneakers.

“My parents told me we’re, um, _adopting_ you,” Nayeon says, sounding out the new word slowly.

Tzuyu shrugs. She’s not sure of the tiny details of anything. 

Her uncle bends down and fixes Nayeon with a gentle smile. “Tzuyu’s going to be living with us now on.” He pauses, an inexplicable sadness overtaking his face. “Her parents aren’t here anymore, so she’s going to be part of our family.”

Nayeon nods slowly. “So she’s my sister now?”

Tzuyu doesn’t say anything. If she’s silent, she can’t say anything that could potentially make the new family in front of her want to send her back.

She has no one else. This family is her only chance, and Tzuyu won’t risk ruining it.

  
  


It takes three weeks before Tzuyu has her first meltdown. One moment, she’s quietly sitting on the floor with her stuffed dog—a gift from her parents when she was a baby. The next moment, she’s looking at Nayeon holding the tail of her stuffed dog and there are tears welling up in her eyes.

Tzuyu throws a fit. 

Her aunt comes in a minute later, demanding to know what happened. By then, Tzuyu’s yelling has reduced Nayeon to tears, and when Tzuyu sees the disbelief and slight anger on her aunt’s face, icy fear runs through her.

She gets sent to her room, and she spends an agonizingly long time staring out the window, waiting for a car to pull up with the intent of taking Tzuyu away because her aunt and uncle no longer want her anymore. She made Nayeon cry, for god’s sake. What parent would want to keep her there after that?

She doesn’t know how much time she spends alone, but when the door to her room creaks open, she runs to her uncle and buries her face into his leg, begging him not to send her away.

Her uncle gently untangles her from his leg and kneels down. “Tzuyu, look at me.”

She sniffles and wipes her eyes, making eye-contact with him.

“You’re not being sent away,” he says, and she nearly starts crying again. He goes on to explain the situation to her, saying that although there are occasions they may get mad at her for, they won’t send her away because she’s family now.

And although Tzuyu takes his words to heart, she can’t ever forget the sheer terror of the fear of being sent away. She makes a pact to herself to always try her absolute best to make her aunt and uncle proud. That way, they won’t ever have a reason to consider sending her away.

* * *

**Senior Year, February**

The whistle blows, and the second half begins. It’s full of shoving and slide-tackles and sharp words when the ref is too far away to penalize them. Neither team gains a lead for a long time, and Tzuyu’s legs are screaming. Still, she pushes on. A one-goal lead is not good enough, not when they beat this team by four goals last season.

St. Cecilia’s has their first stroke of luck around the 61’ mark. Yeri is somehow wide open in the box, and one perfect cross from Joy leads to the ball hitting the back of the net. They crowd Yeri in celebration, one goal closer to winning this game.

Tzuyu glances in the student section, and she makes eye-contact with Chaeyoung, who’s sitting in the stands with a scarf wrapped around her neck and hands shoved in her pocket. Tzuyu suddenly feels warmer despite the cool night air, and she shoots a small smile in Chaeyoung’s direction.

The next goal doesn’t come long after the first. Tzuyu has the ball at her feet in the box with three defenders closing in on her. She glances to her right and immediately passes to Jennie, who barely takes any time settling the ball before shooting. Jennie slots it in the bottom left corner, and they’re up by two now.

The final goal happens right before the game ends. Mina shoots a laser straight past the goalie in the top right corner, securing St. Cecilia’s win by three goals. 

Tzuyu grins as the team gets mobbed by the students, exhilaration rushing throughout her body. Three goals are pretty good, considering how rough the first-half started. Maybe there’s a chance to make it to the championship game after all.

She breaks free from the crowd and makes her way to where her family is sitting. Tzuyu grunts as Nayeon tackles her with a hug.

“I haven’t seen you in so long! How’s school been? Are the classes difficult? Did you go to the winter formal? Did you get yourself a boy—”

“Nayeon,” she interrupts, rolling her eyes. “Take a breath.”

“Hi, sweetie,” her aunt says, holding her arms out for a hug. 

Tzuyu sighs and basks in the familiar calmness that washes over her in the presence of her second family. She misses her parents every day, but the Ims were her pillar when she needed it. They took her in, no questions asked, and treated Tzuyu like their own daughter. They’re practically Tzuyu’s parents too, and she doesn’t see anything wrong with having four parents.

“You did great out there,” her uncle says and ruffles her hair.

“Uncle Changjoon,” she whines, squirming out of his grip and running her hand through her ponytail in an effort to smooth it out. 

“What?” he says, a teasing smile on his face. “Gotta look good for your boyfriend?”

Someone engulfs her in a hug before Tzuyu can respond, nearly making her fall with the force of it. When she regains her senses, she realizes Chaeyoung is the one who is tackling-slash-hugging her, latched onto her like a koala.

Tzuyu chuckles, feeling the usual affection and warmth upon seeing Chaeyoung. “Hey, Chaeng.” She taps the shorter girl’s head when Chaeyoung doesn’t let go. 

“You see Tzuyu every day,” Nayeon complains, crossing her arms and staring at the two. “I haven’t seen you in _months_. Come say hi to me instead.”

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes and unlatches herself from Tzuyu. “Maybe if you visited more…”

“I have school, shorty.”

“Don’t call me that,” Chaeyoung mutters petulantly, but she hugs Nayeon anyway. She does the same with Tzuyu’s aunt and uncle.

“Still roommates?” Uncle Changjoon asks—a question he has every year for them. It’s probably because Nayeon went through six different roommates, which is an accomplishment considering you’re only supposed to switch at the beginning of each year.

“Yup,” they chorus together. Chaeyoung glances at Tzuyu with a small smile, her expression going soft. There are so many unspoken words to it, and it feels oddly intimate in the moment. Tzuyu shifts from foot to foot and avoids eye-contact.

“Tzuyu!” someone calls, and she turns to see Jinyoung walking over. Nayeon coughs loudly, too loudly to be normal. Tzuyu turns to glare at her.

“Hey, Jinyoung,” she greets.

“You did awesome out there,” he says, a blinding smile on his face that would have any girl at their school swooning.

She raises an eyebrow. “It probably wasn’t as exciting as your game, Mr. Scored-The-Winning-Goal-In-The-Final-Minute.”

Someone clears their throat, and they both turn to see Tzuyu’s aunt and uncle looking at them expectantly. Jinyoung straightens up immediately and holds out his hand for them to shake. “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Im. I’m Park Jinyoung.” He glances at Nayeon and smiles. “Hi, Nayeon.”

“Hi,” Nayeon responds. When he turns his back on her, she locks eyes with Tzuyu, mouthing _Park Jinyoung?_ She holds both thumbs up in approval.

She glares at Nayeon and mouths _shut up_. 

“Tzuyu hasn’t mentioned much about you,” her aunt says to Jinyoung. She looks between him and Tzuyu with both eyebrows raised. It’s obvious what she’s hinting at.

“Oh, we’re not dating!” Jinyoung says, the tips of his ears turning pink. He shoots a quick glance at Tzuyu. “I—um, we’re just friends.”

“So that’s what the kids are calling it these days,” Nayeon mumbles, a shit-eating grin on her face.

“You sound ancient,” Tzuyu says, crossing her arms.

“Respect your elders.”

“You’re only a year older than me!”

“Children,” her uncle says, putting his hands up and effectively silencing them both. He shakes his head at Jinyoung as if to say _can you believe them?_

“So we were thinking about going out for dinner,” her aunt says.

“Pizza?” Nayeon and Tzuyu say simultaneously, their previous argument forgotten in favor of pizza.

“Pizza it is,” her aunt declares. She fixes an expectant look on Jinyoung and Chaeyoung. “You two can join.”

Jinyoung rubs the back of his neck, his eyes darting towards Tzuyu. “I don’t want to intrude...“

“You’re not intruding at all! You seem like a lovely boy, and we’d love to have you for dinner. I’d like to get to know you a little better since Tzuyu hasn’t told us—”

“Aunt Se-ah!” Tzuyu groans, covering her face with her hands. She almost denies it, but something stops her. This is what she wants, right? She wants her family teasing her about a boy and thinking they’re dating, even if they’re not. That’s _normal_. That’s what’s expected of her.

“Let’s go get pizza,” she says instead. She nudges Jinyoung with her elbow. “You coming?”

Jinyoung raises his eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

“It’s free pizza.” She shrugs and shoots him an easygoing smile. “C’mon, you won’t be intruding.”

“I’ll meet you there then? I need to go grab my stuff from my dorm.”

“Sure. I’ll text you the address.”

Once Jinyoung is a proper distance away, Nayeon lets out a screech and loops an arm around Tzuyu’s neck to bring the taller girl down to her level. “You and _Park Jinyoung?”_

Tzuyu scoffs and shoves Nayeon away. Luckily, her aunt and uncle were already on their way to the car. “There’s nothing going on.”

“Yet. You need to lock him down now before someone else steals him away. Practically every girl at this school wants to go out with him.” Nayeon looks at Chaeyoung. “Back me up here.”

Chaeyoung coughs. “Um, yeah definitely.”

Tzuyu looks at her shoes, avoiding eye-contact with both of them. “Yeah.”

“Tonight’s the perfect opportunity to get to know Jinyoung,” Nayeon says with a wicked smile. “Are you coming, Chaeng?”

Chaeyoung shakes her head. “Actually, I promised Yeri I’d do something with her tonight. Thanks for the offer though.”

Tzuyu frowns in confusion. Chaeyoung didn’t tell her she had plans. Tzuyu thought they were going to finish this season of Friends tonight. Maybe Chaeyoung forgot to mention it. “That’s okay. I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” Chaeyoung responds. “It was nice seeing you, Nayeon.”

“You too. Text me more often, shorty.”

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes and discreetly flips Nayeon off. Tzuyu watches her until she disappears into the crowd, the pit in her stomach growing bigger the further away Chaeyoung got.

Tzuyu turns back towards Nayeon. “We should probably go.”

“Yeah, you don’t want to be late for your date.” The shit-eating grin is back on Nayeon’s face.

Tzuyu rolls her eyes and doesn’t bother responding. She ignores the sinking in her stomach as well.

It isn’t important.


	4. we whisper words when we’re alone at night (i wanna hear them in the morning light)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter involves drug use with minors

**Senior Year, February**

Chaeyoung grunts as she removes the window and places it against her bed. She waves to Tzuyu, and they climb through it, careful to avoid landing on the rose bushes right outside. 

Ah, the perks of living on the first floor. Chaeyoung still remembers when Momo and Sana had to climb down from the second floor to sneak out. Those two usually got lots of scratches and bruises on those nights.

The windows are actually supposed to be screwed shut to prevent students from sneaking out, but luckily Jinyoung brought back a few screwdrivers from his house. The nuns haven’t noticed anything off during their monthly inspections, so Chaeyoung thinks they’re doing a fine job at hiding their night excursions. 

Chaeyoung holds a finger up to her lips and grabs Tzuyu’s hand to guide her through the garden. They’ve been doing this for three years now, and Tzuyu still gets lost if Chaeyoung isn’t there. Or maybe it’s an excuse to hold hands? Either way, Chaeyoung doesn’t mind.

Though, once they see Jinyoung’s van in the parking lot, Tzuyu drops Chaeyoung’s hand pretty quickly. 

“What took you guys so long,” Yeri asks as soon as they climb into the van.

“There was a nun patrolling outside our room,” Tzuyu says quickly. “We didn’t want to make too much noise.”

Chaeyoung bites back a smirk. They were actually making out and lost track of time, but Yeri doesn’t need to know that. She scans the car. “Is this everyone?”

Jinyoung’s at the wheel, and Mark’s in the passenger’s seat. Jackson, Yeri, Joy, Lisa, Jennie, and Dahyun have all crammed in the backseat already. Jihyo and Mina must’ve opted out this round. Chaeyoung isn’t surprised. Jihyo’s completely focusing on winning valedictorian, and raves aren’t exactly Mina’s scene.

“Yup,” Jinyoung says, shifting the van into gear.

Joy leans forward. “What do you have for us tonight, Jackson?”

Jackson reaches into his jacket and pulls out a baggie full of white circular tablets. “This is K. Ever heard of it?”

“Sounds mysterious,” Yeri says and laughs. 

“It’s a classic club drug,” Jackson says, holding it like he’s modeling a kitchen utensil or something. “The high is great. It’s gonna have you tripping in no time, and it’s excellent for raves.”

“You’ve tried it?” Mark asks, a bit nervous. The last time he took one of Jackson’s drugs, he passed out and got a concussion from hitting his head too hard on the floor. Needless to say, he’s very wary now.

Jackson nods. “It’s powerful shit. I’m doing five bucks a tablet.”

“Anything else?” Yeri asks curiously, already pulling money out to pay.

Jackson grins and pulls out another baggie. This one contains a large syringe with a clear liquid. “I’ve also gotten ahold of this. It’s a sedative and it’s intense—definitely not something to mess around with. One dose has you floating, but too much has you in a coma. I’m doing twenty bucks for it.”

“Fuck that,” Mark mutters and sticks out some money. “There’s no way in hell I’m gonna risk passing out again. Here’s five for K.”

Everyone begins to hand Jackson their money. Dahyun opts out, unsurprisingly. She only goes to these things to dance. Jennie rejects as well. Chaeyoung exchanges a look with Tzuyu before putting in her own five bucks. She’s playing it safe. Jackson tried it and he’s fine, so she should be fine.

“Pass the water,” Chaeyoung says. The pill goes down easy, and she tosses the bottle to Tzuyu.

Jinyoung pulls into the parking lot just as everyone finishes up. Jackson chuckles and hops out of the van. “Let the night begin.”

  
  


Chaeyoung is flying.

She is in the throng of bodies, her heartbeat pulsing with the deafening bass. She can see Joy sidling up to a random guy, the blinking lights illuminating faces occasionally. She looks to the side and sees Yeri on the outskirts of the crowd, staring at something on the ceiling in wonder. 

If she looks a little past Yeri, she sees Jennie and Jinyoung at a table, sipping at some alcoholic drink that Chaeyoung probably doesn’t know the name of. Jennie downs the rest of her drink and says something to Jinyoung, who nods and points to the exit. Jennie begins to make her way towards there.

Chaeyoung doesn’t think much of Jennie leaving. She’s too busy moving to the beat of the music. There are warm bodies all around her, tight enough to be suffocating, but she thrives in it. There’s electricity running through her veins, making her feel untouchable.

Someone presses up against her back, and she looks back to meet Tzuyu’s eyes, dark and euphoric. The music grows faster, and she presses closer to Tzuyu. There’s no space between them, but it isn’t enough. Chaeyoung needs more.

Tzuyu winds her arms around Chaeyoung, mouthing the junction between her neck and shoulder. Her hands rest against Chaeyoung possessively. Chaeyoung shivers. Tzuyu’s mouth is warm and inviting on her neck, and Chaeyoung tilts her head to the side, searching for Tzuyu. Their lips collide for the briefest of moments. They’re dancing together, _kissing together_ , in plain sight, and absolutely no one cares.

Tzuyu jerks back suddenly, her eyes wide. Chaeyoung’s eyes flutter open. She didn’t even know she closed them. She looks up at Tzuyu in mild confusion, and Tzuyu jerks her chin towards the exit. “Air!”

Chaeyoung nods and allows herself to be pulled along by Tzuyu. The further she gets from the crowd, the more her high fades. She eyes the mass of bodies longingly, but Tzuyu doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. 

Chaeyoung follows Tzuyu. She always does.

The cold air is like a slap to Chaeyoung’s face, and she shivers, crossing her arms in a futile effort to stay warm. They’re outside in a dark alleyway that leads to the parking lot. They are hidden once again.

She hates it.

Tzuyu leans back against the brick and closes her eyes. Chaeyoung stands there, examining the ground. Finally, she asks, “Are you okay?”

Tzuyu sighs and rubs her temples. “Yeah. It’s probably the K or something.”

“Do you feel sick?”

“No.” She takes a deep breath and locks eyes with Chaeyoung. “We shouldn’t have done that. It was stupid.”

“Why?” Chaeyoung asks, knowing exactly what Tzuyu is referring to. “Everyone saw us dancing in there and _no one cared_.”

“You don’t know that!” Tzuyu’s voice is much louder than before, and Chaeyoung flinches back. Tzuyu deflates when she notices, taking Chaeyoung’s hands in her own and rubbing circles into the backs of them with her thumbs. “I’m sorry. It’s just...you don’t know that.”

Chaeyoung’s heart pounds. She feels brave, stupidly brave. It’s probably the high, and she doesn’t care anymore. “Is it really so bad for people to know?”

Tzuyu scoffs and shakes her head. “I knew taking K was a bad idea. You’re not all the way here yet.”

Chaeyoung pulls Tzuyu closer and relishes in her presence. She wants to be _brave_. She’s tired of hiding. “I’ve been thinking a lot. I think we should come out.”

“Chaengie,” Tzuyu whispers, her voice shaking. She makes a feeble attempt to pull away, but Chaeyoung only tightens her hold. “Please don’t…”

“I’m tired of hiding this, of hiding _us_.”

“We have our room,” Tzuyu says, almost desperately. “It’s our safe space, somewhere where the world can’t hurt us. Isn’t that enough?”

“We won’t always have our room,” Chaeyoung says, closing her eyes. “We can’t go on forever this way. I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to be able to hang out with our friends and hold your hand, or tell my family about us, or say I love you in broad daylight.”

As soon as the words leave her mouth, Chaeyoung’s blood turns to ice. Tzuyu jerks back, surprise written all over her face. “What?”

“I—” Chaeyoung swallows thickly. She’s made a big mistake, and she’s fifteen again, terrified of Tzuyu’s reaction after they kissed. She rips her hands away from Tzuyu’s grip and turns around, fully prepared to just keep running until she’s far away from Tzuyu and everything else.

“Wait!” 

Tzuyu’s suddenly in Chaeyoung’s space, crowding her against the wall and pinning her hands to her sides. The sweet smell of her perfume invades Chaeyoung’s nose, and the warmth Tzuyu radiates is nearly overwhelming _._

“Tzuyu, please.” Chaeyoung isn’t entirely sure what she’s asking for. 

“Say it again,” Tzuyu says, not allowing Chaeyoung any space. Chaeyoung squeezes her eyes shut and turns away, but Tzuyu gently nudges Chaeyoung’s chin up with her hand. “Chaeyoung, say it again.”

“I love you,” Chaeyoung whispers. She wonders if Tzuyu can hear her heartbeat hammering inside her chest.

Tzuyu kisses her. It’s slow and deep and makes Chaeyoung feel higher than anything Jackson could ever give her. Tzuyu breaks it first, her hands come up to cradle Chaeyoung’s jaw. “Again.”

“I love you,” Chaeyoung repeats. Something is set free in Chaeyoung’s chest after being able to say the words that have been weighing on her mind for months now, but she has been too scared to voice. 

Tzuyu is not disgusted or afraid of her, _of her love_.

Chaeyoung is flying again.

Tzuyu rests her forehead against Chaeyoung’s, hands still cradling her jaw. Chaeyoung closes her eyes and savors in the heady, addicting presence of Tzuyu.

The door to the exit opens up, waking them both up from their little daze. Chaeyoung instinctively holds her breath, listening for anyone, but the door slams shut without her hearing any footsteps going towards the parking lot. That means someone must’ve been outside with them. Chaeyoung wonders if they heard her and Tzuyu. She kinda hopes they did.

Tzuyu pulls away from Chaeyoung regretfully. “We should probably get back before anyone starts to worry about us.”

“Yeah.” Chaeyoung doesn’t think about the reason why they came out here in the first place. That can wait a little bit more. For now, she focuses on the positives.

“Chaengie,” Tzuyu says when they get to the door. Chaeyoung tilts her head in confusion. “Say it again.”

Warmth spreads across Chaeyoung’s whole body. “I love you.”

Tzuyu smiles and laces their hands together.

* * *

**Senior Year, August**

Someone’s saying her name and gently shaking her, and Chaeyoung groans. “Five more minutes, mom.”

There’s a tiny chuckle above her from someone who definitely does _not_ sound like her mom. “I’m having a strange sense of deja vu right now.”

Chaeyoung immediately sits up, all traces of sleep gone. Tzuyu’s standing by her bed, an amused smirk on her face that has Chaeyoung’s heart speeding up. Chaeyoung opens her mouth, but all her jumbled thoughts are stuck in her throat. She finally settles with a simple, “Hey.”

Tzuyu rolls her eyes, a tiny pout coming to rest on her lips. She sits down on Chaeyoung’s bed. “I haven’t seen you since May, and that’s all you have to say?”

Chaeyoung doesn’t bother responding and tackles Tzuyu into a tight hug. She inhales the familiar scent, feeling better than she has all summer. “I missed you,” she mumbles into Tzuyu’s shoulder, no indication of letting go anytime soon.

“I missed you too.” Tzuyu presses a soft kiss to Chaeyoung’s temple.

Something wells up inside Chaeyoung, fiery and passionate, and she almost blurts out the words she’s been thinking of all summer, the words she’s been practicing in the mirror for this very moment. “Tzuyu…”

A knock interrupts her before she can finish. “Tzuyu, Chaeyoung,” Dahyun calls through the door. “You guys coming to dinner?”

“We’ll meet you down there, Dahyun!” Tzuyu answers. She waits, carefully listening for Dahyun’s footsteps, before turning back to Chaeyoung. “What were you saying?”

Chaeyoung swallows, all her previous courage gone. She shrugs and presses a kiss to Tzuyu’s lips. “Nothing, I just wanted to do that.”

Tzuyu smiles—a soft smile that has _those words_ at the tip of Chaeyoung’s tongue again—and kisses Chaeyoung again, deeper and more urgently this time. It doesn’t take long for Tzuyu’s hands to creep downwards, toying with the elastic band of Chaeyoung’s shorts while peppering short, hot kisses to Chaeyoung’s neck.

“Shit, Tzuyu,” she mutters, glancing at the clock by her bed. “We have to get to the cafeteria soon.”

“It’s been two whole months,” Tzuyu counters. She grins against Chaeyoung’s collarbone. “I’ll be quick.”

Chaeyoung knows they’re going to be late and their friends are going to ask questions, but as Tzuyu hooks her fingers in Chaeyoung’s waistband, she can’t find it in herself to care very much.

  
  


Later that night, when everyone else is fast asleep, Chaeyoung stares up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling that Tzuyu hung up. She burrows closer to Tzuyu for warmth, their legs tangled underneath the blankets.

“I love you,” she whispers, finally saying the words she’s been wanting to for a while now.

There is no answer. Chaeyoung didn’t expect one.

Listening to the calm, steady breathing next to her, Chaeyoung wonders if she’ll ever work up the courage to say those three words when Tzuyu is awake.

* * *

**Senior Year, February**

Chaeyoung kneels and makes the sign of the cross. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. My last confession was six weeks ago.” She pauses, wondering exactly what she wants to say.

“Go on,” the priest says gently when the silence stretches on for a bit too long. The voice is easily recognizable—Father Park J.Y. (Short for Jinyoung, but not to be mistaken with the Park Jinyoung in their grade.)

“Father, I’ve been lying a lot more these days. And I hate it.” She’s grateful for the screen in between them so Father Park can’t see just how nervous she is. She might not have been able to say her next sentence if she was facing him. “Can the Church be wrong?”

It takes a long time for him to respond. “Well, yes. The Church has been wrong in the past.”

“So there’s always a chance it can be wrong? That our teachings are wrong?”

“Our teachings come from centuries of study,” Father Park says finally. “Are there any specifics you’d like to discuss?”

Chaeyoung looks down at her hands. She can feel the words in the back of her throat, waiting to be released. She swallows them down. “I’d rather stay away from specifics if you don’t mind.”

“Of course.”

“I just wish I could talk to God, you know? Ask him what exactly he means in the Bible so we’d know for sure what’s right and what’s wrong.”

“My only advice is to follow the Lord’s creed. He won’t lead you astray if you believe in Him. As for the lying…” Father Park pauses and thinks. “Why don’t you just stop?”

“What if you think it’s for a good reason?”

“Lies become twisted in one another until you’re trapped within a web, unable to escape without hurting yourself and others. It’s better to cut it off now.”

Chaeyoung blinks. “I guess that’s easy enough.”

Father Park chuckles. “Sometimes we overthink things too much. Try to go to the chapel on your own time and sort out your questions with the doctrine. And, of course, stop lying.”

Chaeyoung thanks him and recites the Act of Contrition. She leaves the booth feeling strangely lighter than she has in years. Father Park made it seem so simple to stop lying. Maybe it was. Maybe it’s just that easy to stop hiding their relationship, to come out. 

Jennie’s next in line, and she shoves her shoulder into Chaeyoung on her way into the booth.

Chaeyoung shoots a glare behind her, but she doesn’t think too much of it. There are more pressing matters at hand. 

She’s tired of living a lie. She’s ready to tell the truth.


	5. i’ve wanted to kiss you for so long (you’re wasted and this is wrong)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for implied sexual content including minors, however, it's not graphic at all

**Senior Year, March**

_Jennie Kim created Jinyoung’s Birthday Party_ _  
_**Jennie Kim:** Let’s throw Jinyoung a surprise party this year.

“Jesus,” Tzuyu mutters, eyeing the cooler full of alcohol suspiciously. “Where’d you get all this?”

“Jaebeom owed me a favor!” Jackson calls from where he’s hanging a banner that reads _HAPPY BIRTHDAY JINYOUNG_ above the entrance to the barn.

Tzuyu hums and grabs a Skittle from the bowl on the table. “Nice.”

Everyone (mainly Jennie) has been planning this surprise birthday party for weeks now. Jinyoung is turning eighteen, and he’s always made a big deal about everyone’s birthdays except his own, so they decided to celebrate this one with lots of food and lots of booze.

They’re just putting the finishing touches on everything. Yugyeom’s supposed to drag Jinyoung here soon. They’ll be hiding out in the dark, and hopefully, they’ll scare the shit out of him. Tzuyu has a bet going on with Chaeyoung and Yeri on how Jinyoung will react.

“Yugyeom just texted me!” Mark announces a few minutes later. “They’re on their way.”

Tzuyu ends up getting shoved in some corner with a couple of other random people. The lights get flipped off, and they wait. After an excruciatingly long time of waiting, The door to the barn opens, the lights turn on, and they all jump out and scream, “SURPRISE!”

  
  


“Priceless!” Yeri exclaims, wiping actual tears from the corner of her eyes as she replays the video for the fifth time. The high-pitched scream rings throughout the barn, making everyone around them laugh. 

Tzuyu is twenty dollars richer now. It’s a good day.

“I’m the birthday boy, aren’t you supposed to treat me nicely,” Jinyoung complains, his ears still pink from everyone teasing him about his scream.

“Be grateful she hasn’t sent it out to the rest of the school yet,” Jennie pipes up with a small smile. 

Tzuyu rolls her eyes as she tunes out their bickering. She stumbles towards the drink table, glad to be out of the fray of the crowd of tipsy, dancing individuals. She takes a cup of punch, wrinkling her nose at the strong taste of alcohol. They definitely weren’t shy while spiking it.

“Tzuyu!” Someone’s arms wrap around her waist, and she tenses up until she realizes who it is. 

“Chaeyoung,” she breathes, her initial panic fading. “Hey.”

Chaeyoung hums and nuzzles into Tzuyu’s shoulder. “I missed you.” Her hands begin to slide lower than socially acceptable for friends.

Tzuyu squirms a little uncomfortably, her eyes darting to see if anyone else is around. They’ve put rules in place to maintain their image as _just friends_ , and Chaeyoung is breaking a good amount of them currently. She unwraps herself from Chaeyoung’s arms and turns to face the shorter girl. “What’s with you?”

“I haven’t been able to see you all day,” Chaeyoung says, crossing her arms and pouting. “Let’s go back to our room for just a bit. No one will even notice.”

Tzuyu notices a half-eaten brownie in Chaeyoung’s hand and sighs, already knowing what happened. “How many brownies did you eat?”

“This is my second.”

“Those are _pot_ brownies, dumbass.”

Chaeyoung looks down at the brownie in surprise. “Oh, no wonder I feel so floaty right now. It kinda reminds me of the rave.” She grins widely and steps closer to Tzuyu, hands coming up towards her waist. “I wish we were back at the rave again, dancing together.”

Tzuyu takes a step back and bats Chaeyoung’s hands away. “Chaeng, c’mon.”

“What’s stopping us now? We could go and join the crowd right now and dance with each other. Dance out in the open without any care in the world...”

“Lower your voice,” Tzuyu hisses, looking around them again. Luckily nobody notices them in the corner, too engrossed with other things. “We’re in public.”

“So?”

“I shouldn’t have to explain to you why you shouldn’t be doing this.” The high is making Chaeyoung too relaxed. There’s no other explanation for why she’s acting so bold in front of all these people. She needs to get Chaeyoung somewhere else until she gets a little calmer.

Chaeyoung takes another step towards Tzuyu. “I wish we didn’t have to hide. I wish we could tell the entire world about us. I wish I could shout how much I love you.” 

Tzuyu shoves her away, much rougher than before. “Are you stupid? If somebody sees…”

“But the rave—”

“The rave was different! We don’t live in a rave, Chaeyoung. We’re in the real world now and you should know better. You’ve gotta stop acting like this.”

“Like what?” Chaeyoung asks, her eyes flashing. “Like your girlfriend?”

Tzuyu stays silent.

“Tzuyu!” Yeri calls, jogging up to them and completely oblivious to the tension. “Come play beer pong! Jinyoung still needs a partner.” She smirks and raises her eyebrows suggestively. 

Tzuyu glances over to the beer pong table where Mark and Jackson are on one side, and Jinyoung on the other. There’s a tiny crowd circled up around them, waiting for the game to start. Jinyoung catches her eye and waves sheepishly, shooting his endearing grin at her. Tzuyu waves back.

“Sure,” she tells Yeri. “Just give me a second.”

Yeri leans closer, a mischievous grin on her face. “If you want to, you should consider making a move tonight. It’s the perfect time.”

Tzuyu forces a laugh and looks away. “We’ll see.”

“Tzuyu…” Chaeyoung says as soon as Yeri walks away, her eyes pleading for something Tzuyu can’t truly give her. 

Tzuyu almost caves in. But then she remembers all the people around her, and she clenches her jaw. “We’ll talk later, okay?”

Chaeyoung scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Fine, go play beer pong with _him_. I’ll be waiting, like always.”

“Tzuyu!” someone calls, and she casts one last glance back at Chaeyoung before walking away.

* * *

**Sophomore Year, January**

After their first kiss, she tried her best to keep her distance from Chaeyoung. She stayed out of her room for as long as possible, avoided Chaeyoung during class, and forbade herself from sleeping in the same bed as Chaeyoung. 

She told herself it was for the best.

But then the nightmares came back, more frequent and vivid than ever, and suddenly she couldn’t follow her own rules anymore. She found herself drawn to Chaeyoung inexplicably, unable to keep her distance. Chaeyoung was her safety net, her source of comfort. Tzuyu couldn’t just leave.

Weeks of nighttime cuddling and secret glances across the room and subtle skinship had its effects on them. Their second kiss didn’t come long after the first, and neither did the third. They fell into this habit of kissing in their room, and they haven’t stopped since.

It’s a little past midnight, and Tzuyu finds herself in Chaeyoung’s bed once again.

Chaeyoung is in the middle of telling Tzuyu about this idea for a painting she has, her eyes bright like they always are when she’s passionate about something. It’s captivating, and Tzuyu feels a warm heat pool in her stomach.

She leans forward and kisses Chaeyoung firmly on the mouth. Chaeyoung makes a surprised noise and begins to push back with an equal amount of fervor.

It’s not long before Tzuyu hooks a leg over Chaeyoung and rolls on top of her to straddle her waist. Tzuyu’s arms are on either side of Chaeyoung’s head, bracketing her in. Chaeyoung grabs fistfuls of the sheets in an effort to ground herself. 

Tzuyu moves down Chaeyoung’s neck, nibbling on the skin there. (Later that morning, they’ll find out how one uses concealer to cover up a hickey). The heat in her stomach grows, not stopping anytime soon.

Once Tzuyu reaches the collar of Chaeyoung’s sleep shirt, she pauses, lifting her head to look at Chaeyoung. She’s grateful for the darkness so Chaeyoung can’t see how red her face gets. “Um, can I, you know.”

“What?” Chaeyoung asks.

“Your shirt...” Tzuyu says shyly, looking away.

“Oh! Right, um, sure. That’s totally cool.” Chaeyoung nods enthusiastically, making Tzuyu laugh. 

Her shirt comes off, and then Tzuyu’s shirt does as well. They don’t stop there.

It’s a healthy amount of apologies and fumbling and flying limbs while trying to maneuver around. It’s all awkward dialogue and tiny giggles and muffled gasps. 

Once Tzuyu comes down from her high and thinks about what just happened, fear seizes her. She curses under her breath and slides out of the bed, ignoring her shaky legs and sticky thighs. She digs around in her drawers, looking for another pair of shorts and a sleep shirt.

“Tzuyu?” Chaeyoung mumbles in confusion, her voice groggy. “What’s wrong?”

Tzuyu doesn’t bother answering. She takes her change of clothes and shuts herself up in the bathroom. She sits on the freezing tile, leaning against the door and wondering what just happened.

She needs a shower now.

Tzuyu turns the water to scalding hot and scrubs her skin until she’s red and raw. And then she keeps scrubbing.

_It is an abomination..._

These thoughts and feelings were never supposed to come to life. They were only supposed to stay in her imagination as her deepest secret. 

_Wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God..._

Kissing Chaeyoung was pushing it already. Kissing her meant that it’s real, that it could be discovered. But kisses are also easily hidden. 

_Indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire..._

Sex, on the other hand, isn’t. For god’s sake, this was her first time.

_Undergoing a punishment of eternal fire..._

Tzuyu doesn’t know how long she stands under the water, but after a while, it becomes too unbearable for her. She shuts off the water and steps out, wincing as she carefully towels off her tender skin.

Once she gets dressed, she creeps out to her own bed, decidedly not looking at Chaeyoung’s. She shouldn’t tempt herself.

“Tzuyu?” Chaeyoung says after enduring the silence for a while. 

Tzuyu takes a deep breath and swipes at the tears on her cheeks. “We can’t ever do that again. That was the last time anything will happen between us, okay?”

There’s a long pause, and then, “Okay.” There’s some shifting on the other side of the room, and then silence. 

Tzuyu rolls over to face the wall. She has to stick to her plan this time. She can’t afford to slip up again.

She can still be saved.

* * *

**Senior Year, March**

“Hi,” Jinyoung greets, sticking his hands in his pockets. “You look pretty tonight.”

“Thanks. You don’t look too bad yourself.” Someone wolf-whistles. Tzuyu ignores it. She notices Jennie slip out of the barn.

Jackson groans. “Stop flirting and play the game. You can talk afterward if you really want.”

Jinyoung shoots a dirty glare at him and tosses a ping pong ball between his hands. “We’re ready when you are.”

Surprisingly, they don’t do too badly. In fact, they’re actually doing _well_. Granted, Jackson and Mark were pretty drunk starting out the game, but she’ll take what she can get. It’s not long before each side has one cup each.

Tzuyu eyes the lone cup, ignoring the rolling in her stomach, and shoots. It bounces off the lip. “Damn it.”

Jinyoung takes a deep breath and shuts one eye. He lines up carefully and shoots. Everyone holds their breath and watches it sail through the air, seemingly going in slow motion.

It lands right in the middle of the cup with a soft _plop_. 

The crowd roars, Tzuyu included. Jinyoung looks pleasantly surprised as some in the crowd begin to celebrate prematurely.

“Fuck,” Jackon says, rubbing his face and trying to line himself up. He shoots fairly accurately considering how drunk he is at this point, but it’s not accurate enough to get in.

Mark groans and leans against the table for support. “Damn it, Jackson, I told you those jello shots were a shit idea.”

“That’s not what you said when we were actually doing them!” Jackson counters, clapping a hand on Mark’s shoulder. “I vividly remember you telling me that I’m the smartest person in the world and that you’re glad we’re best friends—”

“Stop flirting and play the game,” Jinyoung cuts in, echoing Jackson’s earlier words.

Mark turns red and glares at Jinyoung. “We’re not like that! We’re not...you know.”

Tzuyu blanches, and she vaguely registers Jinyoung saying something back, but she doesn’t hear exactly what he says. It’s like a bucket of ice water was splashed over her, freezing her into place. 

Mark’s ping pong ball sails way past the table, and everyone around her erupts in cheers. A couple of people clap Tzuyu and Jinyoung on the back, and she plasters on a grin.

 _You know_. 

Was it really that hard to speak the word? 

Someone loops an arm around Tzuyu’s shoulders. It’s Yeri, who looks noticeably more wasted than the last time Tzuyu saw her. “Give the birthday boy his prize for winning,” Yeri slurs into her ear and shoves Tzuyu towards Jinyoung.

Jinyoung smiles at her. He looks good—he always does. Tzuyu wishes she felt more than just a conventional attraction towards him.

She glances back at Yeri, who gives her a thumbs up and a large grin. Tzuyu turns to face Jinyoung, a lot closer to him than she remembered. It feels like everyone’s watching her, suffocating her. Her head is beginning to spin. She wishes she didn’t drink nearly as much as she has.

_We’re not like that._

_Give the birthday boy his prize._

_Did you get yourself a boyfriend while I was away?_

_That’s just so...you._

_You are an abomination._

Tzuyu rocks onto her tippy-toes and presses a kiss on Jinyoung’s cheek, dangerously close to the corner of his mouth. If possible, the crowd gets even louder, and when she takes a step back, Jinyoung is red and staring at her with bright eyes.

When she looks a little past his shoulder, she sees Chaeyoung push off the wall and walk out the door.

Tzuyu doesn’t follow.


	6. i’m all about this stupid act, so who am i to blame

**Senior Year, March**

The wind swirls around Chaeyoung, cold and sharp. She mutters curses under her breath and burrows deeper in her shirt. Any sane person would go back inside to the warmth of the barn, but Chaeyoung keeps walking. She needs to get away.

_Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you._

Once again, she finds the chapel. It’s dark, so it’s probably locked. She doesn’t try to go inside either, just collapses on a bench right outside it. Her high has started to wear off a bit, and she wishes she took a brownie or something to go. It would’ve made the silence a little more bearable.

She looks to the clear, starry sky. “Are you even up there?”

Maybe it’s just Chaeyoung’s imagination, but the wind around her picks up, almost indignant that she would ask such a question.

“Sorry, sorry,” Chaeyoung says, quickly backtracking. “It’s just...it’s hard to believe you’re there when it feels like I’ve hit rock bottom.”

The wind dies down a bit.

“I wish you would just tell me the answers to everything. I’m so tired of being so fucking _scared_ about making the wrong decisions. All I want is to be happy. Is that so much to ask for?”

“Who are you talking to?” a voice says, making Chaeyoung fall off the bench in surprise.

She lunges for a rock and holds it up blindly in the direction the voice came from. “Get back!”

She hears a scoff. “Calm down.” A figure steps out of the entrance to the chapel.

Chaeyoung sighs in relief as she recognizes the figure. “What the fuck, Jennie? Stop hiding in the shadows, you’re gonna give someone a heart attack.”

Jennie rolls her eyes. “I wasn’t hiding in the shadows. I was in the chapel.”

“The chapel’s unlocked?”

Jennie holds up a key, the moonlight glinting off of it. “Altar girl, remember?” To Chaeyoung’s surprise, Jennie walks up to her and sits on the bench beside her. “Want some wine?”

Chaeyoung stares at the bottle clutched in Jennie’s hand. It looks oddly familiar. Then it hits her. “Isn’t that holy wine?”

“Father hasn’t blessed it yet. It’s safe to drink.”

Chaeyoung shrugs and takes the bottle. Holy or not, it’s still alcohol, and she desperately needed some at the moment. “Thanks.”

“So why’d you leave the party?” Jennie asks after a couple more passes of the bottle.

Chaeyoung bites her lip and passes the bottle back to Jennie. “I got bored. You?”

“Me too.”

More silence, and then, “I’m tired of getting ignored.”

“Trouble in paradise?”

Chaeyoung stiffens at the strange choice in phrasing. There’s a knowing glint to Jennie’s eyes that has Chaeyoung’s heart pounding. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jennie frowns and takes the bottle away from Chaeyoung. “Your girlfriend needs to make up her mind about Jinyoung.”

“Who?” she asks, feigning ignorance. Panic creeps up her throat.

“Tzuyu,” Jennie says conversationally like she hasn’t just mentioned one of Chaeyoung’s most guarded secrets. She holds up a hand. “Don’t bother denying it. I saw you two at the rave.”

“Jennie, please.” Chaeyoung isn’t sure what she’s pleading for. All she knows is that there’s a vice-like grip squeezing her insides, preventing her from thinking straight.

Jennie offers Chaeyoung the bottle again. “Don’t worry, I haven’t told anyone.”

The unspoken _yet_ hangs in the air.

“What do you want?” Chaeyoung says. There must be a reason Jennie hasn’t told anyone. She could _ruin_ them with this information. She must be waiting for the right time, or planning on using it as blackmail, or—

“I’m not a complete bitch,” Jennie mutters. “I’m not gonna out you just because.”

The panic dies down a bit, and Chaeyoung can breathe a little easier. “Thanks.”

Jennie shrugs. She takes a long swig of the wine. “Tzuyu needs to stop stringing Jinyoung along.”

Chaeyoung clenches her jaw and looks down at the gravel. “Yeah, I know.” 

The image of Tzuyu and Jinyoung at the party flashes in her mind, making the ache in her chest grow bigger. She tries to ignore it.

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Obviously,” Chaeyoung says, taking back the wine. 

“Why don’t you tell her to stop then?”

Chaeyoung picks at the label on the bottle, a futile effort to get her mind off things. “I’m afraid of changing things.”

“What are you afraid of changing?” Jennie asks, genuinely curious.

“How drunk are you?” Chaeyoung says, snorting when Jennie just looks at the near-empty bottle and raises her eyebrows. “This little...arrangement has been working for years now. If we started acting differently, people could find out. Tzuyu isn’t ready for that.” 

“Arrangement?” Jennie repeats with a frown. “Are you guys not dating?”

_You’ve gotta stop acting like this._

_Like what? Like your girlfriend?_

“I don’t know.”

“Look, I don’t care what you two wanna do with each other. Just tell Tzuyu she needs to stop messing around with Jinyoung. He deserves better than that.”

“How long have you been in love with Jinyoung?” Chaeyoung asks, figuring it was her turn to ask a question.

Jennie laughs humorlessly, not questioning how Chaeyoung knows. “Too long. I’ve known him since I was four, and—” She breaks off, shaking her head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m sorry,” Chaeyoung says, and she’s surprised to realize she means it. 

“Yeah, me too.” Jennie glances at her phone, standing up. “It’s getting late. I’m gonna stay in the chapel for a little longer, but you should probably start heading out.”

Chaeyoung holds out the bottle for Jennie to take. “Thanks.”

Jennie nods and pushes open the large wooden doors. She looks back at Chaeyoung. “I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Trust me, you don’t need to worry about that.”

Jennie enters the chapel before Chaeyoung can say anything back. Chaeyoung is left with the darkness and silence once again. 

It’s not as daunting as before.

* * *

**Junior Year, December**

It’s the beginning of December. Chaeyoung _hates_ the beginning of December with a passion.

First off, it’s only a few weeks before finals, and the teachers tend to pile up classwork until students can’t close their eyes without seeing pages of a textbook behind their eyelids.

Second, it’s too fucking cold. Chaeyoung hates the cold. The only way she can tolerate the cold is when she’s cuddling with Tzuyu, and that only happens in the safety of their dorm at night.

Third, and perhaps her biggest reason, is that the beginning of December is when the winter formal craze hits the school in full force. Well, in Chaeyoung’s case, it’s more like a punch in the stomach than anything.

That’s probably why there isn’t any air in her lungs as she watches Mark Lee walk up to Tzuyu with a confident grin and pull a rose out of nowhere.

Chaeyoung can’t hear the two, but she can already imagine the conversation. Tzuyu will smile and apologize for saying no. She’ll make small talk to try and make up for the rejection, and if she’s lucky, the boy will accept the rejection without any trouble. Chaeyoung knows how it goes. She’s witnessed it happen three other times already.

Yeri sighs when she catches sight of Tzuyu and Mark. “Damn it.”

“What?” Chaeyoung asks, tearing her eyes away.

“I lost the bet,” Yeri mutters, burying her face in her arms dramatically. “I said Mark wouldn’t have the balls to ask Tzuyu out.”

Chaeyoung hums and stabs at her lunch with her fork. After a while, she gets up to throw it away.

She doesn’t feel too hungry at the moment, not with her stomach rolling like this.

  
  


“What’s wrong?” Tzuyu asks.

They’re in their room. It’s almost midnight, and Chaeyoung and Tzuyu are watching some tacky horror movie in the dark. Chaeyoung doesn’t really know what’s happening in the movie. She hasn’t really been paying too much attention to it.

“What?” Chaeyoung asks, but she knows Tzuyu can sense something’s off. Tzuyu’s always so in-tune with her emotions, it’s almost scary.

“You’re acting weird.”

Chaeyoung wonders if she should mention it. It’s just some dumb insecurities of hers, not something Tzuyu should get worried over. “It’s nothing big.”

Tzuyu pauses the movie and gives Chaeyoung her full attention. “I’m listening.”

Chaeyoung shrugs. “I’m just thinking. You had _two_ guys ask you out today. I…” She trails off and looks at the blanket, feeling stupid for even bringing it up. “Forget I said anything.”

Tzuyu laughs and lifts Chaeyoung’s chin to face her. “Are you jealous?”

“No,” Chaeyoung denies with a pout. “It’s just...you can literally have anyone at this school if you wanted. Kim Taehyung asked you out today, and he’s one of the hottest guys at our school!”

Tzuyu rolls her eyes. “Why would I pay attention to any of them? Chaeng, whenever you’re near me, I literally can’t think straight.”

Chaeyoung snorts at the choice in words, and Tzuyu shoots a tiny glare her way.

“I’m being serious,” Tzuyu says, lacing their fingers together. “I don’t care about anyone else. I want _you_.”

Chaeyoung feels something in her chest swell at the honesty in Tzuyu’s voice. “Sorry. I know it’s dumb. I just can’t help it sometimes.”

“Trust me,” Tzuyu murmurs, pressing a kiss to Chaeyoung’s lips. “I’m not thinking about anyone but you.”

And as Chaeyoung blindly closes the laptop and places it on the nightstand beside the bed while Tzuyu moves down to her neck, she finds herself believing Tzuyu’s words.

  
  


As always, good things don’t last forever.

“You said yes, didn’t you,” Chaeyoung says flatly. It wasn’t a question. She avoids Tzuyu’s imploring gaze.

“It’s just as friends,” Tzuyu says. “Jackson’s the only other person without a date. He even said it was just for the pictures and so he didn’t feel like he was ninth-wheeling.”

Chaeyoung purses her lips. She already decided on skipping the winter formal. Formals were never her type of thing. She just never thought of Tzuyu going to the formal with a date while Chaeyoung wasn’t there.

Perhaps she’s being unfair—expecting Tzuyu to go to the dance without a date while everyone else in the group she was going with has dates seems a bit unreasonable—but the thought of Tzuyu with someone else on something that could possibly be passed off as a date-type thing has Chaeyoung’s stomach rolling with envy.

She knows Jackson’s a good guy and that he wouldn’t try anything without Tzuyu’s permission, but Chaeyoung can’t help it. She wishes it was her and Tzuyu taking pictures and going to some fancy dinner and being able to slow-dance without worrying about everyone else watching.

“I don’t get why you have to say you two are going as dates when you both agreed you aren’t.”

Tzuyu sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. “It’ll look weird if I go without a date, okay?”

Of course. Keeping up the appearance is important, after all. If Chou Tzuyu—the girl who’s had numerous people ask her out to this exact formal—went alone, then questions would be asked. And people asking questions causes problems for them.

“Right,” Chaeyoung says. She bites her tongue before she can say anything.

Tzuyu takes a step forward and takes Chaeyoung’s hands into her own, forcing the shorter girl to make eye-contact with her. “Like I said, there’s no one but you for me.”

Chaeyoung, despite her initial irritation, finds herself melting into the kiss. But even as Tzuyu tries to kiss away the insecurities, she can’t help but wish she and Tzuyu could go to the formal together instead of Tzuyu and Jackson while Chaeyoung stays home.

It’s not the first time she’s ever wished for something like this, and it’s certainly not the last.

* * *

**Senior Year, March**

Chaeyoung knocks on the door and tries to ignore the way her head makes her feel like she’s floating. How much wine did she even have?

The door swings open, revealing Mina blearily blinking at her. “Chaeng?”

Chaeyoung frowns and re-checks the room number. Did she mean to come to Mina’s room? “Sorry—”

Mina reaches out and grabs Chaeyoung’s wrist before she can make her exit. “Do you even have your room key?”

Chaeyoung shrugs and reaches into her back pocket, sighing when she doesn’t find what she’s looking for. “I…no.”

“Come here,” Mina mutters, dragging Chaeyoung inside her room despite her protests. “Tzuyu’s still at the party. She isn’t there to let you in.”

Chaeyoung curses inwardly. All she wants right now is to sleep until her mind stops spinning and her thoughts quiet down. The reminder of Tzuyu at the party, _the party with Jinyoung_ , doesn’t help. “Thanks.”

She and Mina sit side-by-side on Mina’s bed without talking for a couple minutes. It’s not entirely uncomfortable. She and Mina are used to the silence, with both of them never feeling the need to fill the quiet with mindless chatter, but the atmosphere is different this time. Chaeyoung feels restless, like something’s buzzing beneath her skin.

“Minari,” she says, the nickname slipping out. 

“Hm?”

“I…” Chaeyoung frowns, trying to put her jumbled thoughts into words. The next words slip out without her really thinking: “I think I’m gay.”

Once they’re out there, there’s no pulling them back. Her heart pounds, and she feels like she could throw up any second now. It feels final, and she didn’t even know she started crying until Mina gently wipes at her cheeks. Chaeyoung sobs when she realized she finally admitted it, finally was able to say it out loud.

Mina pulls her into a hug, and Chaeyoung melts into her, finally allowing the cracks in the walls she’s built up to show. “It’s okay, Chaeng,” Mina murmurs. “It’s okay.”


End file.
